I know you already have enough to worry about, but I feel it’s my duty to share my neuroses instead of keeping them all to myself. So if you’re having a meal on your first date, here are ten items you might want to steer clear of:
1. Beans – for obvious reasons, and who wants that story repeatedly told if the relationship goes long term.
2. Spinach – gotta keep your smile clean, and no one wants the possibility of instantly massive forearms (ug-gug-gug-gug).
3. Water – goes right through you, and too many trips to the bathroom keeps them guessing.
4. Meat – what if they’re vegan, and why do they wait until we order to tell us they’re vegan?
5. Salad – that head of romaine used to be living too, and there’s no polite way to eat salad – it’s bulky, it’s crunchy, it’s messy, and if you cut the salad into bite-sized pieces, your date inevitably will be a foodie and you’ll end up in a long, trivial discussion about slicing vs. tearing lettuce.
6. Processed Foods – if you’re dating someone really health-conscious, you’ll get a recap of organic chemistry, a sudden loss in appetite and a side of guilt to go.
7. Asparagus – even though this side effect only happens to about half of us, why risk it, especially if your evening plays out like a sit-com and your date follows you immediately after a trip to the restroom (lighten up on that water!)
8. Ice Cream – chances are you’re nervous already, and if you eat too quickly you’ll end up with an ice cream headache, and making ridiculous faces should be saved for more forgiving moments.
9. Spicy Foods – some may find sweating through a workout is sexy; a meal is not a workout. And now you’ve created a real dilemma for yourself: if the goodnight kiss is welcomed you will really leave a lasting impression but if you skip it, you’re telling them “not interested!”
10. Alcohol – having ruled out practically everything from the menu, you’re left with liquor on an empty stomach, and who wants that story repeatedly told if the relationship goes long term (and with no real memories of the evening, you won’t be the storyteller).
Let’s face it, we all have to eat but whoever started the tradition of a meal on a first date didn’t think it through. How do you get to know someone through conversation while you’re both eating and digesting? You want to enjoy yourself without thoughts like “Is my order offensive?” or “Can they hear me chew?” or my favorite, “I know there’s something in my teeth but I’ve been to the bathroom twice after all that water and I’ve just got to know.” Be right back.
Be sure to check out more of Mike’s blog, ”Do I Amuse You?”
8 Comments
Dessert!
So what if they’re a vegan - if you’re not, don’t try to act like something you aren’t!!! Be yourself, that’s my opinion!!!
I love it! Always start with dessert! Or, we can go in an entirely different direction. In Maryland, our blue crab feasts are famous. If you can get through a messy afternoon of picking crabs, spitting shells into the community pile on the table, and wiping away the Old Bay seasoning from your face with your sleeve, you can order anything you want the next time you go out.
Mike
How about something you CAN have on a first date?
Soup is a no, but sandwiches and baked potatoes are a yes.
I know everyone realizes the list was meant to be humorous - I’m not a nutrionist nor play one on TV - but I like that it has sparked some discussion. In all seriousness, it’s totally up to the couple. I’m a nervous eater so I would go for lite fare. I would recommend Tapas, because you can have fun with a great variety of dishes without the heaviness. I just wish the check was proportional. 
So what CAN you have on a first date?