What is a recently divorced parent to do? Daily stress, tears, and tension have led to sleepless nights, feelings of self doubt and fear of the unknown. In addition, there are two children at home, but how does one go on?
There are several insights that may help you regain some return to “normal life” and eventually new relationships for you. Healing takes time and it is individual. Your divorced spouse will always be a parent to your child. Introduce new people as friends and let the children get to know them gradually while maintaining your own family’s rituals.
First, remember that your children need you. They may ask for toys, favors and special outings, but your precious gift of time is the most important gift that you can give. Divorce and separation can damage a child’s sense of wholeness, safety and relatedness. Their own self value and relation to each parent is often strained. Focusing on stabilizing their environment will provide them a chance to begin healing.
If you take a step back, it’s not hard to recognize that there are now two places to call home with different friends, environments and experiences. Frequently, both parents have to work and continue to deal with the new stressors of single parenthood.
If a parent immediately gets involved in dating, children frequently loose “their time” and often fear quietly and irrationally that they will loose their parent. Although there is a time for dating, children really need to reestablish some sense of wholeness with structure and routine. Although your own healing may need the companionship and attention of a friend, your children are likely to see this person as a threat. Often initial voyages into dating occur least intrusively if they occur when the other parent has custody. However, I would remind you that today’s cell phones will likely lead to children checking on their away parent especially early on.
Healing does take time. Each child will have specific losses that are unique to them. They can’t just get over it. If a parent recognizes this, he or she can provide fertile grounds for healing. Many children will also have unrealistic hopes of unification. Although you may have good reason to move on, let each child do it at their own speed. There will be a time for the new friend.
It is often very hard to say nice things about the other parent, but please do not make any negative comments about the your divorced spouse. Remember that you married this person and he is the parent or step parent to your child. Children are pretty smart and they will figure things out. They really don’t need your help. Your child will likely feel sorry about the divorced parent. They often fiercely defend the other parent if you put them down.
When you finally decide to reach out, do it slowly. Start with brief dates and gradually introduce him to your children and your family’s rituals. Expect that there might be some push back from one or more of your children. Other times, you may experience blind adoration for the new person. Either way, it is normal. Don’t panic.
Divorce may be an ending, but it is also a new beginning. Take one step at a time.
I have been dating this guy who is in the middle of a divorce.. The paperwork takes really long, but everything has been settled,- he has the home and ther kids. Our jobs are not M-F jobs- and he lives over an hour away. We have gone out a few times- texted and called each other, but he says he wants to do something next week- I do not hear from him in the week, so I will text him and asked him how is everything, and he says do you want to do something tom night. My issue is not that we do not hang out often, but that he does not reply or text me throughout the week. If I text him or call him, he responds right away-- I do not wait-- so when he asked me about doing something on Fri- I said how I could to this place almost every weekend and that I wished he called me earlier--then I got mad and said on the text ok---- just forget it-- meaning just forget this whole thing- which I think he understood-- I am very patient with him and understand that he has got a lot on his plate-- But what should I do?? Thanks