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BUY! Dump That Chump
It’s hard to miss Dr. Debra Mandel’s new book, “Dump That Chump: From Doormat to Diva in Only Nine Steps,” thanks to a neon pink cover that practically jumps off of the bookshelf. That’s a good thing-- the book manages to transcend the saccharine tone of its peers and offer legitimately helpful advice for ending bad relationships and moving on to healthier ones. In addition to her own experiences, Dr. Debra draws on her twenty-plus years of counseling couples and individuals to create a step-by-step guide to mending a broken heart. We asked Dr. Debra to tell us more about her views on love, relationships, and what it takes to be your own knight in shining armor.
You have an extensive background in a number of therapeutic issues. Why a book about breakups?
Though I have vast experience working with a variety of therapeutic issues such as eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression and anxiety, my number one passion has to do with relationships. And because I, myself, have had a tumultuous love-life with much heartache (but also much growth and repair), I can’t think of a better topic for me to write about. I’ve already written two other books related to building healthy relationships, but I wanted to focus specifically on getting over a break-up since I believe so little is out there in terms of self-help dealing with this very painful experience.
What need does “Dump That Chump” fill that other self-help books don’t?
I think a lot of other self-help books don’t do justice to this topic because they fail to empower women through self-responsibility and they tend to focus on what’s wrong with women rather than on their strengths. Plus they tend to belabor the process of grieving and I wanted to give women another perspective. Essentially, I try to make the point very clear that when you’re getting out of a situation that isn’t good for you, then you really don’t have to grieve for very long because there really isn’t much of a loss. For instance, if you have a bad flu and then you feel better, you don’t mourn the loss of your fever and aches and pains. Instead you usually feel happy. I give women lots of tools how to get over being sad and mad and quickly get on the road feeling glad. Also, I wanted to combine both sensitivity and a no-nonsense approach so the women in distress who read the book will feel as if they have a personal coach by their sides-one who understands their pain but who also has good tips on how to move through it with out too much suffering. My book offers hands-on, user-friendly tools and lots of real-life examples so that readers will have an actual recipe for getting over Mr. Wrong.
In your opinion, what is the number one mistake women make in their relationships with men?
In my practice, having worked with hundreds of women over the years, time and time again I see women give away too much power at the front end of the relationship, often leading a guy to believe that he gets to make all the decision. Then at some point, these women often feel entitled to share their true preferences and opinions and they speak out with too much aggression. They’ve suppressed themselves too much, and then they become resentful toward their guys. The guys are often completely bewildered because she’s changed the rules and they (the guys) really don’t know what they’ve done to deserve the anger these women dump on them. So essentially, women need to embrace who they are and make positive changes if they have any deficiencies in how they have relationships. And they need to learn to speak up about what they need and want in the beginning of a relationship. No shame, and no blame—just honest assessment of where they need to grow. And they must stop expecting guys to be able to read their minds.
I particularly enjoyed your chapter on “Givin’ Yourself Some Lovin’.” Why do you think so many women struggle with self-soothing?
Our society tends to teach a woman that she is a better person if she takes care of other people’s needs before she tends to her own. This often leaves a woman feeling depleted. Then she consciously or unconsciously falls into the trap of expecting others to come to her rescue. This creates a vicious cycle of expectation and inevitable disappointment. But once she recognizes that her power to feel good about herself comes from learning how to soothe and nurture herself, then she opens the door to a lot more satisfaction out of life and positive relationships. In essence, her intimate partner becomes the icing on the cake, rather than her main sustenance. True, a hug or a loving word from your own self may not feel the same as if it comes from someone who loves you, but that doesn’t mean it can’t also feel great. So in order to have a healthy intimate relationship, a woman simply must learn to value herself as her own caregiver.
If you had one piece of advice to give those Sassy Bean readers who are looking for love, what would it be?
Take the time to really figure out who you are and the kind of man you’re looking for. Believe that you deserve what you want and hold out for a guy who has the bulk of the qualities you’re looking for. Don’t forgo chemistry, but also be careful not to be so picky on trivial matters (like whether someone drives a particular car). Nothing rivals the experience of finding true and healthy love, so make a vow to stop settling for mismatches or chumps.
Next: How do you know if he’s a chump or a champ? Know the 12 signs that he’s the one.
love this advice...thanks