How To Be More Than “Friends With Benefits”
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April 19, 2008 @ 07:41 am
Want to be more than just friends with benefits? If you’re ready to move on from FWB to romance, proceed with caution, says Toni Coleman, a licensed psychotherapist, relationship coach and founder of Consum-mate.com.
First, consider your friend’s needs. Has he been sending signals that his feelings run deeper than friendship? If so, be very tactful and give him a lot of wiggle room when you bring up the topic of a deeper relationship.
“Begin with a very open-ended comment or question. It can be something like, ‘You know, we’re just so great together, how come we’re not dating?’” Coleman says.
Whatever you do, aim for a gradual exploration of his feelings as opposed to something that would hem him in, she says. It would be coming on too strong to cut to the chase and say, “I want more from you.” It’s best to allow both sides to explore their feelings without feeling pressured – particularly if you want to keep the friendship intact.
You can watch his body language to determine if you should continue the discussion. You’ll know your FWB isn’t comfortable with the chat if he “starts to shut down, they fold their arms over, they kind of pull back in their chair, they’re kind of looking around the room, they’re not making eye contact,” Coleman says. That’s when she advises people to back down from pushing the discussion, because most people don’t want to end up losing the friendship if their romantic feelings aren’t shared.
Stopping the Sex, Keeping the Friend
Deciding to stop having sex with a friend isn’t difficult. The trick is phrasing things in a way so that no one has hurt feelings.
Coleman advises clients to use a stroke, a kick, and another stroke. Start out by telling them how much you care about him and that you’ve had a great time together. Then give the gentle “kick” by telling him that you’re ready to move on, make some changes, and stop sleeping together. Then give another “stroke” by making it clear that while you want to leave the sexual relationship behind, you don’t want to leave his friendship behind.
You may face anger from your friend, or even lose the friendship if he isn’t willing to understand your reasons for ending the FWB relationship. But you may also find that he had romantic feelings for you all along but never expressed it, Coleman said.
“Somebody pulling back and talking about pulling out of the relationship in order to find real love could end up opening up a dialogue about, ‘We’re great together, why don’t we talk about that,’” she said.
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Related article: Study finds friendship, but no love, for friends with benefits. |
4 Comments
We began this relationship as strictly FWB, however, shortly after he began to say things that made me feel like he was trying to pull me in closer. I brought it up to him and I said he was sending mixed signals for someone who just wanted to be FWB. He apologized and said he was only being honest. I have fallen for him, and have tried to keep it under wraps, but each time he says these sweet things it only makes me want to be closer to him. He has a girlfriend and I don’t think he and I will ever be more than FWB so should I end this now even though I love being with him? Why would he say these things to me if he only wanted FWB...we were already doing just that!!!
Actually, I think most women want the truth. At least the ones who do not have the patience for the excuses. To patronize a women by offering a token of nice words can sometimes come across like you are trading something minimal in value for something that is not worthy of the truth. The real truth..not some version of the truth. If faced with the situation that involves a friend.... the only way to salvage the friendship is have enough respect for the other person to be honest. Of course, I am strong willed and it is a waste of my time and emotion for you to tell me some three step approach to why you made a mistake. Simply put sometimes honesty may hurt the most at the time...but most of all remember that person deserves more than a excuse as you see it. When you break up with someone or vice versa...saying we can remain friends,....That is like telling the hurt person that their dog died but they can still keep it. What is that?
Three years ago I would have said your approach is correct. But after listening to people ascend you upon a platform in order to ease their guilt...does not help anyone. Look me straight in the eye and be honest...and if that relationship is worthy of the friendship to begin with...in time it will be again. But this non complacent BS is patronizing. Honesty is honorable...and there is no such thing as letting someone down easy. Remember we don’t chose who we love. We have no idea going in a relationship what is going to happen. The only thing different between like or love.... friendship or marriage ....is what your heart does with that emotion. Have enough faith in the other person to be honest and trust them with that.
Beneficial friends is really tricky. As women, it is almost impossible to not once think “ wow, i could really be with this person”. The important thing to remember is that although it is a possiblility that he may want to turn your strictly sexual relationship into something more, more than likely he wont. Its just a matter of how much your willing to invest to find that out. Ultimately, keep in mind, as much as you may want it to be more, if its just sex, its just sex. Becoming clingy wont keep him around any longer than he would of originally;in fact, he will probably hit the road faster. So, if your starting to have feelings, i suggest you drop out of the picture. It may save your heart in the long run.
absolutely useful for many of us in relationships
love the open-ended approach to addressing the issue of FWB’s situations. you sound very experienced and i love the content!