No matter what the circumstances, breaking up sucks. You thought it was going to work out, it didn’t, and now you have to deal with the consequences and start the whole process all over again. Not to mention the feelings of rejection if you were the dumpee and not the dumper. You are wonderful; why doesn’t he see that? You know it’s true, but it’s easy to blame yourself when the going gets rough.
All right, that’s enough wallowing. Put on your fuzzy slippers, break out the pint of Ben & Jerry’s, and let’s get through this thing together. How? Well, you can start by . . .
-Remembering the good times. It may feel even more painful to remember the good things about your relationship, but it’s important to acknowledge the positive things you can take away from the experience. Put these ideas in self-empowering terms-- in other words, instead of “He loved me more than anyone ever will,” say “We felt strong feelings for each other and I will use this experience as a building block for even more successful relationships.” It may sound cheesy, but it’s extremely important not to fall down the self-victimizing vortex when your emotions are raw.
-Remembering the bad times. There’s a reason why you broke up, and whether or not it is immediately apparent to you is beside the point. The bottom line is that if this guy wasn’t putting 110%-- or if he was and it still wasn’t enough-- it is time to move on to a partner who is going to be a better fit with your lifestyle. There’s no need to go off the deep end here, but do think rationally about what flaws there were in the relationship, and think hopefully about finding someone who will be able to meet all of your needs.
-Getting rid of reminders of him. Once you have spent time remembering both the good and bad times-- and this amount of time will vary by person-- it’s time to get rid of any reminders of him that may be lying around your living space. Don’t do this if you are really feeling emotional, because you may regret destroying everything that belonged to him in a fiery blaze that eventually burned down your apartment building. Instead, pack up any pictures, clothing, stuffed animals, gifts, CD’s, etc. in a box and put it somewhere out of sight, such as stashed away in a closet. This is also a better bet than destroying the items because he may ask for certain things back, in which case you can just place the box outside of your door and not have to deal with the awkward interaction.
-Calling on your friends for support. It’s imperative that you don’t try to get through this breakup alone. Feeling isolated can hinder the healing process, or even convince you that it’s a good idea to get back together with this guy. You don’t have to completely break down unless you want to, but at least call your friends and let them know that you are going through a difficult time right now and could use their support. Try to schedule get-togethers over the next few days that will show you that you can go out and have plenty of fun without you-know-who.
-Getting back out there. Eventually you are going to have to re-join the dating scene, but don’t do this until you feel that you have worked through the issues from your previous relationship. This is going to be largely dependent on how long you were with your Ex, but if you feel like the break was clean and that you are in a healthy state, feel free to head back out there. Just make sure you don’t jump into a new relationship before recovering from the last one-- rebounds don’t work out well for either party.
3 Comments
I just off a really awful relationship. ‘Awfully’ because of the emotional drain involved. I started having low self esteem while in the relationship because he kept telling me things to feel so. I finally decided that i shouldnt be in such a relationship so i decided to call it quits although he had already given me signs of breaking up with me. I’m now all alone trying to get myself together on my own......a very tough one.
I, additionally, hit the wrong key removing my e-mail from your website - PLEASE DISREGARD. I look forward to your e-mails.
I attended two of your seminars at the Learning Annex - the last one on Wednesday, 3/12/08. Your lectures were fantastic and your wife is beautiful. You gave me your card and told me to call you, but I decided to go on your web site and e-mail you. Again, thank you. I was the blonde that sat up in front and had to leave at 9 p.m. to catch the express bus. Again, thank you.