And to make matters worse the universe is definitely trying to screw with me because judging by the look and smile she just gave me, she’s interested.
Did I mention that I’m a happily married man yet? This of course might complicate things… actually it makes this potential minefield quite simple to navigate.
I love my wife, and I will not cheat. Been there, done that. In my past life I made a series of mistakes that left me a divorced man with a wounded and empty soul, that man would have slept with the woman above, most likely five minutes after spotting her walk in to the coffee bar.
So how am I going to escape this cosmic curse of temptation? By following the rules below, they’ll never send you in the wrong direction, I promise.
-It’s not about just ME (or just YOU) anymore, I’m part of something meaningful and special. If I took her back to her loft and slept with her I would be letting down two people, myself and my wife. And I would be common and average because as my mother always told me, the harder thing to do is always the better thing to do.
-Think of what your life would be like without your current husband or wife. Your present actions are going to dictate your future. Are you truly able to accept the repercussions??? Believe me, you aren’t. A long time ago I thought I was, of course I wasn’t and pretty much lost everything. I’m hoping you won’t.
Let’s quickly return to the original relationship danger zone… after she smiles, she comes within in ear shot of my table, I hear her order a double cappuccino in the sexiest, raspy European accent that I have ever heard. She then proceeds to delicately glance at me while she takes her drink from the barista and turns to ask if she can join me… MY LIFE IS NOW OVER!
-Being faithful is easy, cheating is hard. Thought it was the other way around, didn’t you? The moment she requested to join me I felt something that in the past I had never felt before: HESITATION! You see cheating is like bungee-jumping without a safety cord, the rush is amazing, until you slam into the bridge and smash that thick skull of yours wide open! The work it takes to be unfaithful is ten times, no, a THOUSAND times harder than the simple task of being a committed partner.
She introduces herself and I feel “my game” completely gone. Because all I can think of are the repercussions of sleeping with this woman. I realize that I am doing something that I had never done in the past: Forward Thinking.
-Remember you took a vow. Whether it’s a wedding band, or a long time romance built on caring and trust, a bond is a bond. And while a hot body and a pretty face are nice to gaze at, it’s fleeting; your partner’s actions, affection and non-judgmental support are far more worthy in the log run.
-Fantasy is a good thing, as long as it doesn’t become reality. Now, don’t think I’m not able to appreciate the fact that this woman is beautiful, it’s not a crime to admire an attractive person, but it is against all laws know to man to act on your desires if you are in a happy and committed relationship.
As I looked into her eyes and told her I was married and thanked her for her company. I also realized I felt no guilt having spent a quick moment with an attractive stranger, no wish to ravish her on top of the table, all I felt was happiness because of my commitment to my wife. For the first time in my life I realized what the real challenge was about being in this situation. The real challenge was NOT SLEEPING with this beautiful woman. And because I like to think of myself as something of an adrenaline junkie, man, do I love challenges. But this one wasn’t a “challenge” at all. It became easier and easier when I let the repercussions of sleeping with her dictate my actions.
And, truthfully, my vanilla latte was much more satisfying.
3 Comments
Some random thoughts. You have this unique ability to trigger some deep thought by your information. A couple of things in which I would like to respond to
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“Think of what your life would be like without your current husband or wife. Your present actions are going to dictate your future. Are you truly able to accept the repercussions??? Believe me, you aren’t. A long time ago I thought I was, of course I wasn’t and pretty much lost everything. I’m hoping you won’t.”
In a lot of ways I have lost everything by staying. Most importantly I have lost who I am. We can spend a whole life time defining who we want to be as well as who we are. Sometimes who we are or were can’t save us from the person we have become. Trauma to your mind through loss triggers reaction. Reaction that at the time seems logical. As I found myself healing and grieving from a certain event in my life...an event that forever will change my life. During this time I made the very biggest mistake of my life. Realizing it almost immediately there was little I could do to reverse it. However, I believe that mistakes make us strong within. I was raised with the idea you learn from your mistakes but you also take responsibility for your actions. You commit to the responsibility you implicate by your lack of judgment. My first question was “Is it fair to tear my family apart because of mistakes I made?” my answer was No, Even though we should take every opportunity to learn from our mistakes.....but, at what price should it cost you? my mistake cost me the price of love. Love for myself and any chance of love in a relationship. I really am not sure I am capable of having the kind of love you have found.
“We become the person we are from the mistakes we have made, but our character is defined by how we handled our mistakes.”
So honestly… am I prepared for the impact it will have? Yes. It will cost me more to stay than to go. But.... with everything I believe in and everything I am......this time I can say I did everything I could to make it work.
The next thing is ironic. Amazing what a little fantasy does for the mind and the heart. However, your so right in your statement below.
“Fantasy is a good thing, as long as it doesn’t become reality.”
ah, the real point I have continued to struggle with. The fantasy vs. the reality theory. I have put myself in a position to which I traded reality for fantasy. Fantasy felt so much better. To feel alive again was overwhelming and more than I bargained for in the after math. Online relationships are such neat little creature.. As for any girls reading this take a few minutes and reflect on the people your drawn to. Notice anything familiar? Sure you do. When I look at why” I” chose the guys I have..... it amazed me. Other than the issue of it being safe...they all represented some fragment of what I have lost in the “old” me. Kind of scary actually. Only one guy of the 5 guys ever became a real part of my life. The rest made it clear that they could distinguish between the real vs the virtual . .. Imagine a three year history of blank space you have to figure out how to defrag. Over the last couple of months, one by one the attachments I have formed are receiving their over due closure. Hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Can you really ever close something that was only open in “your” mind...” based on the creature you created”? It’s a hard concept. Ending something with your mind is far more difficult than being able to use reason. All but one of these have a 3+ year history.
I actually have one more to close and I can’t find it in me to put that final detail in motion. Not sure why this last one has been so hard, I think mainly it is because I like who he is. I felt very comfortable with his friendship and I miss that the most. Sexual chemistry is a tough animal..the false notions it feeds your mind. The emotion of wanting something so bad but knowing it’s not possible. You find yourself thinking about the touch and you can feel it. You can read the words and see it. Feeling out of control because you know there is nothing you can do. An affair of the mind is much like the feeling you get when reading works of William Shakespeare. A tragedy with the most bitter sweet detail that no mind could understand unless your heart has taken your mind there… I know what I must do and that is complete the closure and put this whole portion of my life in the perspective it belongs.Fantasy saved my life over the last 5 years and for that I will be thankful. But the fact is those were real people to me and it surprises me that you can suffer in a real way the the loss of something you never had. I eventually will find a way to let go of the final connection. I can relate that in a lot of ways your struggle and appreciation of beautiful people.
Maybe you and your wife should look into doing a series on Internet relationships from the stand point of Fantasy VS Real. Since this type of dating is moving into the number one position of places to meet. I would call it...."Don’t underestimate the power of words” It’s way more powerful when you only have words. Gives our mind to much room to shape it into this perfect person. I wished someone would have told me that you CAN get attached to a virtual friend in a very real way.
Yes!!!! you can fall in love with someone you have never met. At least the perfection you create in your mind.
I never want to love people like this again. (not in love...just love. I realized sometime back that I am not capable of distinguishing fantasy from reality.At least now I know. Simply put, I have come to the end of that life. A life that got me through reality. Ironic huh? I spent quite a bit of time reading your wife’s articles....and I can see how you two compliment each other well. As I said before just keep the faith in yourself. Remember this...... When it comes to “to cheat or not to cheat” (Shakespeare would be proud) a good friend will never ask, try, or impose upon your boundaries. It’s a respect unspoken, Also, a true friend when faced on the choice will choose not to ....no matter how much they might want it. It’s rare that you find people who want the best for you...even if that means a life with out them.
Sorry...the 5000 limit got my extra special need to elaborate. 
You have a beautiful wife. Keep up the good work. I Happened to see Matt Titus (think that would be you) on Tyra Banks this morning...stopped me dead still. I sat down and (something I rarely do) your words struck me and then I realized what it was. It was just really strange. I do want to say this to you....
Old habits are easy to fall back into. It’s the habit of the addiction that makes us all vulnerable. Being faithful is no different than any other self discipline we learn. For every person who has suffered from addiction you know what I mean. An addiction does not require illegal drugs....or a bottle of alcohol. An addiction is any thing that alters your perception of reality and distorts your ability to utilize judgment and control.. Some of the most noted addictions are those for which there is no 12 step recovery program. However, you utilized the same concept....and you have accomplished something you should be very proud of. You admitted your weakness.....and you finally value something more than your own “self”. That is your life with your wife.
Each time you find that you are in a “tempting” situation and you do the right thing.... that is when you eventually will begin to trust “you” and that is when you truly take power over that behavior that you fear. At that point you will replace the perception of whom you see ...to the person you are becoming. That alone puts you back in control and when you realize that the biggest fear is fear itself...it wont be an addiction any longer.
Just a guess.... you judge yourself much harder than anyone else does. .....just give yourself some credit....and trust who you are...You are pretty amazing. Good Luck on your marriage and may you have a wonderful life.
Rabbit