Whether you are paranoid or a pushover, a jealous girlfriend or afraid of commitment, chances are that your bad relationship habits are behaviors you learned from your parents, say relationship experts. Mom and Dad are the primary role models we encounter as children, and research shows that our personalities are hard-wired by the age of four. Thus, how you saw your parents act in their relationship becomes the foundation of your own adult relationships, explains love coach Rinatta Paries, author of “The Love Coach Newsletter.”
Imagine a situation where a woman constantly complains to her children about her husbands philandering, but never confronts him. “The message to the kids is that it’s okay to let someone walk all over you,” says Scott Kudia, president of a San Diego relationship consulting firm and author of If “This is Love, Why am I Unhappy?”. “It lessens the importance of their own self-worth. They learn that it’s important to keep the peace, no matter what the cost to them emotionally.” According to Kudia, if the child in this theoretical scenario empathizes with their mom, they may have a difficult time trusting their significant others in their adult relationships. On the flip side, if they empathize with the parent who is unfaithful, chances are that they too will be an unfaithful partner.
Not that confrontation is always a good thing. If parents constantly argue in an unhealthy way and verbally abuse one another in front of their kids, their children might constantly initiate confrontation with or be disrespectful to their significant others. “If you come from an environment where your parents constantly blew up at each other, and you have a disagreement with your mate, you’re going to respond the only way you know how: by flying off the handle,” says Kudia.
So are those women with parents who have a less-than-healthy relationship doomed to a lifetime of unhappy relationships? Kudia says that it is possible to break the mold and relearn behavior patterns that are more applicable to whom you want to be in your adult relationships.
“You can choose to model one or both of your parents,” he says, “or you can choose to rebel and learn the opposite behaviors.” But it’s not as easy as turning off a switch, he adds. The first step is to reflect on your parent’s relationship. In doing this, it’s important to resolve any negative feelings you might have toward your parents, notes Paries. Instead of being angry or disappointed in your parents, try to be compassionate, forgiving and understanding. Remember, that your parents are human beings who had their own struggles growing up and their own negative behavior patterns to battle against.
Getting past any negativity towards your parents is important because if you don’t, you are destined to create situations in your relationships where you will confront the same feelings, Paries points out. For instance, if you are still angry at one parent for being unfaithful to the other, you may create a situation in your own relationship where you are irrationally jealous and angry with your partner for interacting with an old female friend.
The last step is to become conscious of how your parent’s relationship subconsciously influences how you behave in your own, and make a conscious decision to break any unhealthy patterns. One tool that could be used to break the mold is to look to other healthy couples in your life as positive role models, says Kudia. Whatever the strategy, it’s important not to blame your parents for your relationship troubles, but rather to carefully analyze their influence and be proactive in creating a better life for yourself.
3 Comments
must admit, to some degree this is my fear for my daughter. Her dad a I are going through a divorce and it has been very painful for her, her dad and me, but her dad is the one that is most hurt. I dont know what she thinks happened between her dad and me, and she does not want to talk about it. I’m not sure what kind of relationship we showed her, but I know it was not such a good one.
Heat broken, in Long Island,NY
Heart Broken, I think it’s wonderful that you are thinking about these things for your daughter. Divorces are traumatic, but it may have been worse if you guys stayed together and showed her that you would be willing to put up with a bad relationship. Have you thought about going to counseling with her?
I still use my parents as a model for my relationship even though they were both alcoholic and didn’t communicate very well. I use them as models of how not to nurture a relationship. I know they did the best they could, and now I act toward my husband like I would like to have seen my Mom act toward my Dad. Its very healing in both scenarios. I get to have it and in my mind, they have a different out come as well. In this way, I am grateful, rather than angry or disappointed with them because they were great teachers of what doesn’t work. Just a thought…