Sassy Bean’s dating expert Matt Titus invented a great term: “mantique”. It refers to an appliance that is so outdated that it will turn off any guy who sees it. So if you’re having difficulty finding love, maybe it’s time to take a look around your place to see if you have any of these things lying around:
19” RCA XL-100 TV – It’s the only appliance I know of that has a new model every year and never changes the version number. If it’s so thick that you need help moving it, it’s probably one of these. Get rid of it and buy a flat screen.
Corded Telephones – Rotary is retro. A corded touch tone that you actually use is just plain sad.
Huge Desktop Computer – If it has a monitor that barely fits on your desk, you’ve got a certified mantique on your hands.
Single-tray CD Player – Anything that doesn’t play MP3 files does not belong in your house.
VCR – Hey, there’s an 18-hour Benny Hill marathon on! If I can find enough of my store-brand six-hour blank videotapes, I’ll record them at low quality and only have to swap them out three times (better set the alarm), then I get to play them back with a grainy picture on the RCA! Where’s the Jiffy-Pop? I’m staying in tonight (and most other nights as well)!
Dial-up Modem – Yes, even if you have two 56Ks linked together. “Get off the computer, I’m on the phone!” Yikes.
Non-programmable Thermostat – Cold? Slide the stick to the right. Hot? Slide the stick to the left. What temperature is it in here anyway? The plastic, mercury-filled weight bar says it’s between 60 dot and 70 dot, but your love life is even colder.
Long-distance Calling Card – First dial 1-800-888-8000, then enter your 16-digit calling card number and 6-digit pin; listen for the dial tone; dial the 10-digit number you are calling which you cannot recall because all phone numbers are stored in your cell phone, which is dead, and your e-Machine desktop doesn’t have a USB port to charge it.
Charcoal Grill – Honey, can you put the steaks on? Um, the coals need another gallon of high-octane, combustible fluid that I’ll pour while standing on your 4-foot apartment deck. Then only another 30 minutes until they’re gray and ashy – that means we’re ready to cook!
Map – Without a GPS and no broadband, you are stuck with a map and an atlas. Honestly, is that any way to find the love of your life?
Be sure to check out more of Mike’s blog, ”Do I Amuse You?”
2 Comments
Wow, this is funny. I still have my VCR but I do have a DVD. Ok, maybe I should start updating.
This is hilarious! I will definitely have to go through my place with this list in-hand. Good reads, I shall have to pass this on…