http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/love_relationships/ The woman's guide to living, loving and relationships en sassybeaneditor@sassybean.com Copyright 2008 08 22 2008-08-22T00:01:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/dont_go_dutch/Shelley Walton http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/dont_go_dutch/Shelley Walton#When:04:36:00Z Forcing the guy to foot the bill may seem unfair, but quashing his chivalry could cost a lot more than cash. You’ve got it all: a career, a killer wardrobe, and a date for Friday night. All is right with the world, and you’re hoping it will be even “righter” if that first date turns into something more. But before you go, keep in mind a rule that can set the tone for an entire relationship: let your man pick up the check. Forcing the guy to foot the bill may seem unfair, but quashing his chivalry could cost a lot more than cash—you may be sending him the message that you just want to be friends. Plus, letting your date pay for calamari and cocktails allows him to demonstrate his good manners, especially if he’s the one who asked you out. “When a guy meets a girl he likes, he wants to show her a good time and treat her like someone special,” says Edwin Stanton, a sports copy editor in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. “When a woman pays her own way on a date, it’s like saying, ‘I’m not interested, so back off.’” His wife Tiffany, a journalist, concurs. “It might be cliché, but if you like yourself – and see yourself as beautiful and worthy of pampering – then others will, too,” she says. “When a guy paid for dates, it let me know he thought I was worth it. It let me know how much he was willing to invest in our relationship, money or otherwise,” she says. Many relationship experts agree that the man should pay for the date, if only to give him the opportunity to show off his chivalry. “We appreciate men who are smart, funny, and do nice things to make us feel special,” says LA Love Coach Athena Navarro. “We can’t appreciate a man who doesn’t value chivalry.” But what happens when the relationship develops? Bill Aronson, an accountant in Washington, D.C, thinks that the woman should offer to pay by the third date. “This is 2007, and if a woman makes a good living, there’s no reason for her not to pay.  I want someone who wants to treat me as often as I treat her,” he says. Ultimately, whether or not you choose to pay for dates is up to you. But if your date sincerely wants to pick up the check, be careful of sending the wrong signal by pouring cold water on his attempt to be gallant. A girl that can assert her independence while still letting her date showcase his chivalry? Now that’s priceless.  Singles & Dating, Dating 101 2008-08-15T04:36:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/12_signs_hes_the_one/matttitus http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/12_signs_hes_the_one/matttitus#When:17:24:00Z Sassy Bean's dating guru Matt Titus has 12 sure-fire ways that will help you to decide if he's the real deal or not. 1. He understands. The two of you may not always agree, but he definitely tries to see your side of things. And even if he can’t relate to what you’re upset about, he still tries to calm you down and makes you feel better about the situation and yourself. 2. He tells you. Oh, those three special words, I love you. They are the words some men have major trouble saying.  Hearing him say "I love you," and knowing he means every word, is a great sign that he’s in this for the long haul. 3. He shows you. Everyone knows that men have trouble expressing their feelings with words. This is why they often feel more comfortable using other forms of expression, like taking you out for dinner when he thinks you need a break from cooking or understanding that you might need some time to yourself. While you may like to hear those sweet whispers of affection from him, sometimes actions speak louder than words.  4. He listens to you. Is he genuinely interested in what you’re saying when you talk to him? Does he give you his undivided attention during your conversations, instead of having the television blaring in the background? Showing that he cares enough to listen to what you have to say is an important sign of how committed he is to your relationship.  5. He’s happy around you. Smiles? Laughter? Excited to spend time with you? Glad just to be with you? If he can’t get enough of you, this is an unmistakable sign that he’s really attracted and in love.  6. He compliments you. He notices when you change something about your appearance. He appreciates when you take the time to look great. When he looks you up and down admiringly with a little smile and tells you how beautiful you are, you know you matter.  7. He takes care of you. Is he your guardian angel? Does he baby you when you’re sick and nurse you back to health? If the answer is ‘yes’, then it’s a pretty sure bet you’ve got a good thing going.  8. His friends and family like you. You can gauge how a man feels about you from the way his circle of friends and family treat you. If you are held in high regard, and they have embraced you like one of their own, it’s a fact he’s been telling them how happy he is to have you in his life.  9. He appreciates you. Telling you how proud he is of your achievements or praising you to his family and friends is a wonderful signal. It’s a sign he is in deep appreciation of who you are to him.  10. He asks for your opinion. He asks for your advice, considers it, and may put it to good use. When important decisions are at stake concerning him, he doesn’t just go ahead and decide on his own what he thinks is right.  11. He lets you win (sometimes). Let’s say the two of you are fighting over the remote—you want to watch Family Guy reruns while he wants to watch a soccer game. If he happily sits through an episode of Stewie’s shenanigans (but makes you promise to watch the Brazilian match in an hour), you’ve got a keeper. No one wants a pushover, but he’s gotta let you win occasionally.  12. He makes you feel special. Does he make you feel like the most important person in the world?  Is he always trying to keep the romance alive? Bringing you flowers or breakfast in bed are great signs that he cares. If he’s always going out of his way to make you feel exceptional hold on tight—this guy is the One.  Love & Relationships, He Kisses & Tells 2008-08-11T17:24:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/10_ways_to_tell_hes_the_cheating_kind/matttitus http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/10_ways_to_tell_hes_the_cheating_kind/matttitus#When:04:52:00Z Relationship Guru Matt Titus tells you what you need too look for...1.Too Much Of A Good Thing Is Bad This is a classic sign of cheating. It may sound weird, but if you man is TOO attentive, showers you with love, affection and especially gifts, he may be the cheating kinds. This is not to say that every attentive man is seeing someone behind your back, but if his affection is out of the ordinary, over the top and all consuming, you may want to keep an extra eye on him 2. New Music, New Cologne, New Attitude If you man is suddenly rocking out to Seal, wearing a new scent and is all of a sudden the life of the party (when he was once Mr. Shy Guy) he may be straying. Often times, men take on new behavior or the likes of the person they are trying to impress and striving to be with. 3. He Accuses You This is one of those classis signs of cheating: he accuses you of straying. This happens because he is over riden with guilt and is projecting his feelings onto you. 4. His Phone Is Off Or Off Limits If you do not have access to your mate’s phone or he turns it off or is very private and jumpy when rings, he most likely has something to hide. A man with no “strange on the side” is not worried about whose calling. 5. He Likes To Fight This is again due to guilt and the fact he is trying to give himself an excuse for his bad behavior. He is fighting with you so he can justify the fact he is seeing someone else, telling himself, “I am not happy in my relationship, she picks on me, therefore it’s okay to get attention elsewhere.” 6. I Don’t Want Your Sex Your sex life comes to a screeching halt. If you can’t remember the last time you had sex, it’s a pretty good indication that he is getting it somewhere else. 7. New Friends Could Be Your Enemy All of a sudden your mate starts talking a lot about a “new friend at work” someone he met “at the gym” or a “neighbor who is nice.” This is not a one time mention but a person he constantly refers to in conversation. 8. He Is Unreliable He comes home late from works, leaves early for the gym and doesn’t always answer his phone. Inconsistences like these can make for a bad bed partners and are another sign he may be seeing someone else. 9. He Protects Friends Who Cheat You are the company you keep rings true in this case.  If you man protects his friends who cheat by lying for them and helping them with cover stories, chases are they are doing the same for him. 10.  Gut Check No, you are not being paranoid, sometimes you just know. If you feel it in your gut, it could very well be your man is straying from home. Don’t dismiss the smell of perfume on his jacket, the mysterious phone calls to your home or the sudden late hours at the office.  Love & Relationships, He Kisses & Tells 2008-08-07T04:52:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/is_he_cheating_on_you/matttitus http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/is_he_cheating_on_you/matttitus#When:12:00:00Z Are you just being paranoid or is your man straying? Here’s the bottom line: if you have to worry about a guy cheating on you when you’re not around, it’s time to start looking for another man.  Excessive jealousy can poison even the best relationships, so if you’re with someone who doesn’t make you feel secure enough to trust him, move on. But how do you separate suspicions that come from your own insecurities from hints that he may actually be cheating on you?  There’s no way to know for sure unless you catch him, but these signs are a pretty good indicator that you have a cheater on your hands: 1.  You have a gut feeling.  Sure, feelings can be wrong, but it’s usually better to trust your intuition.  Even if he’s not cheating on you, your gut suspicions could be a sign that you are just not ready to be in a relationship with this guy. 2.  It’s Christmas in July.  If he’s buying you lots of gifts “just because,” he could be trying to get rid of his guilt with material possessions.  If it’s not your birthday, a holiday, or he claims he got a “bonus” that you never knew he was up for, he might be cheating on you. 3.  He’s oversensitive. There are certain things he’s always been touchy about, but if he’s picking fights and constantly threatening to end the relationship over minor issues, there may be something else on his mind. 4.  His tastes change. Maybe he was a huge Beatles fan when you met him, but these days he can’t stop listening to Kanye West.  Or maybe he’s hated artichokes for the past five years, but suddenly he can’t get enough of those spiky rounds of goodness.  If his tastes suddenly change without any obvious trigger, he could be trying to emulate the interests of his new flame. 5.  He acts guilty when you do something nice. There’s a difference between “You didn’t need to do that!” and “I don’t deserve all the nice things you do for me.” If you think that your guy is cheating on you, don’t take a wait-and-see approach; document hard evidence like strange credit card charges or inappropriate computer activity and confront him.  If you don’t have access to those records, explain your feelings to him anyway, but realize that he may not think he is “caught” and try to lie his way through the situation.  You may want to consider hiring a private investigator, or seeking counseling to help you deal with the situation. Sex, Cheating 2008-07-14T12:00:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/the_new_aphrodisiac_sleep/Marie http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/the_new_aphrodisiac_sleep/Marie#When:12:00:00Z Sex life suffering? Tell your man to sleep on it. The Sandman won’t just put him to bed—he’ll also help out between the sheets. Forget lingerie; counting sheep may be your guy’s biggest turn-on. Research suggests that men who don’t catch enough Z’s often suffer from a decreased sex drive and erectile dysfunction. Men who experience night-time breathing difficulties also tend to experience low sex drive, said sexual health specialist Prof. Monica Andersen at the recent Worldsleep07 conference in Cairns, Australia. Prof. Andersen spoke at length about the increasing body of research linking sleep and sex. Women, on the other hand, don’t have to worry about such a link between sleep and sex—yet. Because female sex hormones are more complicated than male sex hormones, research has yet to show the same connection in women. But that doesn’t mean it’s time to grab an espresso before bedtime. Sleep deprivation in women has been linked to increased risk for accidents, obesity, and heart disease.  “This is a sad product of the busy 24-hour life that we’re living now,” said Prof. Andersen at the conference (NEWS.com.au).  “If [people] have poor libido…they blame work, money problems, children, family or other things going on around them without even thinking of sleep.” Know the Signs The American Academy of Sleep Medicine says that the average adult needs between seven to eight hours of sleep every night in order to feel well-rested the next day. Few adults are able to meet that quota, so most people spend their days functioning on minimal levels of energy and alertness. It’s important to recognize the symptoms of sleep deprivation as they develop.  These signs include: --Feeling tired throughout the day --Having difficulty paying attention --Feeling unmotivated and having a hard time “getting going” --Being irritable, grouchy, or having a short temper --Dozing off when you are driving a car --Relying on an alarm clock to wake up in the morning The Solution Over-the-counter sleeping pills can be helpful in the short term, although doctors warn that they should not be used on a regular basis. Some people turn to alcohol to help them sleep better, however, drinking alcohol within six hours of going to sleep can actually be counterproductive.  Alcohol often has a “rebound effect” that causes individuals to wake up in the middle of the night or too early to get a good night’s sleep.  And never take sleeping pills and alcohol together—alcohol increases the sedative effects of the pills, leading to dizziness, confusion, or even death.  Experts suggest seeing a doctor if you or your significant other has difficulty sleeping for more than a one-month period. The doctor may suggest keeping a sleep diary before seeing a specialist in order to track sleeping patterns.  Whatever the solution, one thing is clear: if you want to sleep with your partner, you need to sleep with your partner. Sex, Strategies 2008-07-14T12:00:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/research_why_smart_women_fall_for_jerks/bonnie http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/research_why_smart_women_fall_for_jerks/bonnie#When:00:01:00Z Meanness is a form of “mate retention,” according to study. We’ve all known her—the brilliant, successful go-getter that falls time and again for Mr. Loser. Maybe you even are or have been her. So, what’s the deal? How can so many smart women fall for so many jerks? A recently released study claims to have the answer. The study, titled Why do Men Insult their Intimate Partners?, published in a recent issue of the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences says when it comes to women with high IQs, a form of meanness is actually programmed into male behavior. That’s because meanness acts as a form of “mate retention” in many males, explains Dr. Stewart-Williams, one of the psychologists behind the study.  Typically, men desire women of lower status because they feel they can be controlled. The thought that his partner is more valued by society and desirable to others than he is doesn’t sit well with him. A 2004 study by psychologists at the University of Michigan backs up this theory. The study found that high status men preferred to marry their secretaries rather than colleagues. So, a man is threatened by a partner with a higher IQ because she makes him feel insecure. But when a man does end up in a relationship with an intellectual superior, he is likely to be unfaithful or aggressive as a means of asserting control over her, Dr. Steward-Williams says. “If a man demeans a woman, it makes her feel low, neglected and disrespected,” he adds. “And if a woman feels humiliated, she will eventually come to believe she can’t do any better and stick around with that man.” But, that doesn’t explain why smart women go for the bums in the first place. In The Daily Mail, commentator, Helen Kirwan-Taylor, delves into the characteristics that make clever women fall for jerks on the prowl. For one thing, they are perfectionists who are programmed to succeed. So, it’s highly possible that as opposed to walking away at the first signs of trouble with a man, they are more willing to stick around and try harder. For another, super-smart women may have little experience with men as they were preoccupied with their studies while less clever girls were learning to master the field. So, they really are a bit naïve when it comes to dealing with men. So, for example, while more experienced women might see right through a man’s flirtatiousness. A less experienced woman might mistake it for true sincerity and charm. And by the time she sees his true colors, she’s already hooked and in “make it work” mode. “Self-awareness” is the solution Kirwan-Taylor offers up as the “main ticket out of this emotional mire.” “Learning that the kind of powerful man who makes you laugh, but also tells you you’re five pounds too fat and you can’t cook is really not the man for you.” Love & Relationships, Trouble in Paradise 2008-07-14T00:01:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/dont_know_much_about_chemistry/Shelley Walton http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/dont_know_much_about_chemistry/Shelley Walton#When:12:00:00Z Relationship chemistry is essential. But how do you know if you've got it? It’s hard to define relationship chemistry, but there’s no mistaking it once you’ve got it: racing pulse, sweaty palms, breathlessly waiting for the phone to ring. You may be the most independent woman on the block, but when good chemistry strikes, it’s easy to feel a head-over-heels compulsion to be with your man. So what exactly is chemistry?  “It’s a pull toward somebody that’s sexual and romantic in nature, or one of the two,” says Dr. Pepper Schwartz, professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle. “You are just really interested in that person right away.” This feeling coincides with release of a heady chemical cocktail mixed up by our own bodies, according to HowStuffWorks. The brain releases copious amounts of dopamine and norepinephrine, a combination that produces elation, intense energy, sleeplessness, craving, decreased appetite and focused attention. According to Schwartz, chemistry also involves a nonrational physical and emotional element, which explains why we sometimes experience surprising chemistry with unlikely candidates. And if you’ve found a great guy but don’t feel any sparks, don’t despair – a blaze may flare up in time. “You have to give yourself time [to] do things that enhance the relationship and see if something grows,” says Schwartz. “Some people think it’s either there in the beginning or it will never grow—I’m not so sure about that. In my own life it certainly has grown in time.” Schwartz recounts such experiences in her new memoir, “Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years.” So the moral of the story is: If you feel rapport with a guy but he doesn’t make you weak at the knees, hold off before dropping him in the “friend” file. But if you’re several months into the relationship and things are still luke-warm, it may be time to move on to someone with whom you feel that irrational, unmistakable, irreplaceable spark. Love & Relationships, Couples 2008-07-11T12:00:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/should_you_offer_to_pay/Erica Mayyasi http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/should_you_offer_to_pay/Erica Mayyasi#When:00:00:00Z Do pretend to reach for your wallet? Find out what to do when the check arrives....It can be awkward enough trying to divvy up a check when you’re out with your girlfriends, but dealing with the bill on a date presents even more challenges.  Trying to keep the romance up while tackling logistics is no easy feat.  So, should you offer to pay? The overwhelming general consensus is that on the first few dates, the girl should always offer to pay and the guy should flatly refuse.  But, every couple is different and over time every couple will develop a different routine for handling the check.  Some couples go Dutch, some alternate who picks up the tab, and in some one party always pays. Just know that if you are in a relationship in which your man always pays for the dates, it can be really meaningful for you to insist on paying every once in a while.  “It’s the psychological factor that she’s actually invested enough in the relationship to offer to pay,” says one guy.  “Otherwise, if the guy just pays for everything he won’t know if he’s being used or if she really likes him.” Do you agree? Tell us your thoughts below. To pay or not to pay...that is the question? Love & Relationships, Money Matters 2008-07-11T00:00:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/mens_thoughts_on_date_1/matttitus http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/mens_thoughts_on_date_1/matttitus#When:00:00:00Z What do different men look for in women?The first date can make or break any chance for a potential relationship. We hit the streets to try and find out exactly what different types of men think about when the sit across from a woman for the first time. From Jocks to Wall Streeter, find out what men think about you. Mike: 34 years old, works on Wall Street. I look for a challenge in a woman. Women excite me that are not afraid of being opinionated and themselves. Here are three things that I look for in a woman on a first date: 1. Eye contact: this shows me she is sure of herself. 2. Presence: there is nothing sexier than a woman that is comfortable and relaxed in her own skin. 3. Intelligence: physical beauty will always attract me but intelligence has “staying power” at least enough for a second date. Arthur: 28 years old, lives in the West Village in NYC and is an artist. I want a girl that can go with the flow and just hang out. I hate agenda’s and pressure. After all, in the end you just have each other. Here are 3 things that will definitely make me call her to hang again: 1. I love a girl that is up for anything and will go with the flow 2. Women that can get up and go at a moments notice is the biggest turn-on to me. 3. A woman that is natural and satisfied with the way she looks and NEVER complains about it! Larry: 44 years old, lives in Brooklyn Heights, NY. Larry is a lawyer. I want a woman that is direct and doesn’t play games. She is turned on by my intelligence and not my check book. She is happy when we are stimulating our minds not just our bodies. 1. A woman that is always up to learning about new things. 2. A lady that is a team player and not self absorbed, she shows concern for my happiness as well. 3. She doesn’t back stab and only talks about people in good ways. Jim: 24 years old, lives in Hoboken, New Jersey. Jim is a physical education teacher. I look for a girl to be easy going and funny on a first date. Heavy conversation freaks me out when I don’t know the girl that well. 1. Women that don’t expect much and have a good time easily, makes me want to call again. 2. She is active and cares about the way she looks. 3. She has a running knowledge of sports and is a fan Love & Relationships, He Kisses & Tells 2008-07-10T00:00:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/funny_over_fine_wins_every_time/Mike Morucci http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/funny_over_fine_wins_every_time/Mike Morucci#When:02:11:00Z Ladies, do you agree?If you had a choice between dating hot vs. funny, what would you choose? Both. No, both is not an option in this exercise. My guess is you’d say funny, as long as his appearance doesn’t have the same affect as ipecac syrup or two fingers down the throat. So why do you want a man that makes you laugh? It’s not all about the one-liners. You could watch Comedy Central all day for that and still not find your match. A man with a good sense of humor can make the tougher times more livable, an evening out more memorable, and keep you smiling. And when we genuinely smile, we look our best, take things in stride, get a healing endorphin release and open up to others. When we fake it, our faces hurt, we look insincere and we actually look our worst. So how do you know if your guy is really funny? • He doesn’t try too hard. • He doesn’t put others down to make himself look better, unless they really deserve it, like car dealers who insist on appearing in their own local TV commercials with fake smiles that make their faces hurt, or anyone who defends big oil. • You connect. It sounds obvious but someone who makes you laugh isn’t just a clown. He’s someone who finds absurdity in the same things you do, and it makes you laugh and brings you closer. You want a guy who doesn’t take himself, or his appearance, too seriously. He’s ok with his flaws (they’re not hang-ups) and he’s not enamored with his own attributes, like naming his biceps Smith & Wesson or Cagney & Lacey. He’ll check himself out in a carnival mirror for grins, but not in every reflective surface between your home and the restaurant to make sure sector 9, row 32, hair 22B is still in place. I always try to be straight with you, so in the spirit of full disclosure, I’m really funny. No, what I really mean is a sense of humor and funny are both part of a well-balanced social makeup, but it can’t be the entire deal. Be sure you’re not just an audience. If he always needs to be on and doesn’t seem interested in listening to what you or others have to say, keep him on the list of guys to invite to parties but off your list of potential mates. Love & Relationships, He Kisses & Tells 2008-07-09T02:11:00-05:00