http://www.sassybean.com/ The woman's guide to living, loving and relationships en mikemorucci@hotmail.com Copyright 2008 05 09 2008-05-09T00:00:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/the_top_3_guy_mythsand_why_theyre_not_true/Mike Morucci http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/the_top_3_guy_mythsand_why_theyre_not_true/Mike Morucci#When:00:00:00Z 1. Real Men Don’t Cry Men cry, just not as openly as women, unless it’s sports-related. Lifetime movies, Anne Geddes photos and Barbara Walters interviews don’t affect us. When Brett Favre delivered his retirement speech, we cried. When Cal Ripken Jr. paid tribute to his late father in his Hall of Fame induction speech, who taught him the game of baseball and also coached him in the majors, we bawled. If a man and woman see a really touching film, the woman will have tissues on her person and actually use them. A man may have a sleeve of some sort and would rather chew his arm off before wiping away any physical evidence of emotional expression. If it’s Brian’s Song, he’s also biting the inside of his cheek while crushing his own bicep with his free hand to prevent the waterworks from flowing. So we cry – we just don’t like to show it. 2. Real Men Think Women Think Size Doesn’t Matter Of course we think size matters. We’re just really generous in our measurement techniques (yes, we all measure and it usually starts from the navel) and in our estimates (we multiplied by at least two). We’re just hoping (a) we’re not the smallest you’ve ever seen, (b) you don’t frown, point or laugh out loud, (c) you never, ever use terms which imply anything other than impressively large, and (d) you lie when we ask about it, and lie even more when comparing to a past lover. 3. Real Men Don’t Ask for Directions Hey, if we’re lost, we ask. Our definition of lost, however, may not coincide with yours. If we’ve crossed more than one state line or burned an entire tank of gas, we’re probably lost. Otherwise, we’re going exactly the way we intended – please enjoy the scenery. Love & Relationships, He Kisses & Tells 2008-05-09T00:00:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/should_you_offer_to_pay/Erica Mayyasi http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/should_you_offer_to_pay/Erica Mayyasi#When:00:00:00Z It can be awkward enough trying to divvy up a check when you’re out with your girlfriends, but dealing with the bill on a date presents even more challenges.  Trying to keep the romance up while tackling logistics is no easy feat.  So, should you offer to pay? The overwhelming general consensus is that on the first few dates, the girl should always offer to pay and the guy should flatly refuse.  But, every couple is different and over time every couple will develop a different routine for handling the check.  Some couples go Dutch, some alternate who picks up the tab, and in some one party always pays. Just know that if you are in a relationship in which your man always pays for the dates, it can be really meaningful for you to insist on paying every once in a while.  “It’s the psychological factor that she’s actually invested enough in the relationship to offer to pay,” says one guy.  “Otherwise, if the guy just pays for everything he won’t know if he’s being used or if she really likes him.” Do you agree? Tell us your thoughts below. To pay or not to pay...that is the question? Love & Relationships, Money Matters 2008-05-08T00:00:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/dont_know_much_about_chemistry/Shelley Walton http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/dont_know_much_about_chemistry/Shelley Walton#When:19:16:00Z It’s hard to define relationship chemistry, but there’s no mistaking it once you’ve got it: racing pulse, sweaty palms, breathlessly waiting for the phone to ring. You may be the most independent woman on the block, but when good chemistry strikes, it’s easy to feel a head-over-heels compulsion to be with your man. So what exactly is chemistry?  “It’s a pull toward somebody that’s sexual and romantic in nature, or one of the two,” says Dr. Pepper Schwartz, professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle. “You are just really interested in that person right away.” This feeling coincides with release of a heady chemical cocktail mixed up by our own bodies, according to HowStuffWorks. The brain releases copious amounts of dopamine and norepinephrine, a combination that produces elation, intense energy, sleeplessness, craving, decreased appetite and focused attention. According to Schwartz, chemistry also involves a nonrational physical and emotional element, which explains why we sometimes experience surprising chemistry with unlikely candidates. And if you’ve found a great guy but don’t feel any sparks, don’t despair – a blaze may flare up in time. “You have to give yourself time [to] do things that enhance the relationship and see if something grows,” says Schwartz. “Some people think it’s either there in the beginning or it will never grow—I’m not so sure about that. In my own life it certainly has grown in time.” Schwartz recounts such experiences in her new memoir, “Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years.” So the moral of the story is: If you feel rapport with a guy but he doesn’t make you weak at the knees, hold off before dropping him in the “friend” file. But if you’re several months into the relationship and things are still luke-warm, it may be time to move on to someone with whom you feel that irrational, unmistakable, irreplaceable spark. Love & Relationships, Couples 2008-05-06T19:16:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/narrow_your_search_ultra_niche_web_sites/Mike Morucci http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/narrow_your_search_ultra_niche_web_sites/Mike Morucci#When:04:37:00Z There are a lot of mainstream dating sites online, with more and more arriving that cater to niche, or specialized, markets. Some focus on ethnicity, religion, geography and sexual preference, but I wanted to dig deeper. I intentionally skipped the sexual fetish sites and focused on dating. Once I started Googling, I just couldn’t stop! Here are just five of the ultra niche: Green Singles THEIR WORDS: Personal ads for progressive singles in the environmental, vegetarian, and animal rights community and other green singles who love the outdoors, holistic living, personal growth and spirituality - a place to meet and network for friendship, dating, romance and the exchange of information and ideas. MY WORDS: If you make a connection here, be ready to share how you creatively powered your laptop while reducing your carbon footprint during your search. Not sure how green you are? Test Your Eco IQ here: www.thegreenguide.com/quizzes/greenIQ Redneck and Single THEIR WORDS: Howdy Y’All! Welcome to Redneck and Single. We got a ton of great rednecks waiting inside to meet you and share common interests like huntin’, campin’, fishin’, muddin’ and NASCAR! Come on in and have a look around. It’s like an online honky-tonk, but without the drinkin’, cussin’ and fightin’. MY WORDS: Keep droppin’ your g’s, G, and you just might be a redneck. IQ Cuties THEIR WORDS: Welcome to the High IQ Dating Site! Somewhere between Mensa and MySpace sits iQcuties - an exclusive dating site for people with above-average intelligence. How do I become an iQcutie? There’s an intelligence test, but it’s really no biggie. Odds are, if you’ve found this site, you’ll pass it with ease. By mere fact that you find intelligence an attractive quality means you’re probably intelligent yourself. MY WORDS: Hell, I couldn’t pass a blood test without crib notes. Ashley Madison Agency THEIR WORDS: Life is short. Have an affair ™. Under their FAQ: Does Ashley Madison encourage infidelity? No, Ashley Madison does not encourage anyone to stray. In fact, if you are having difficulty with your relationship, you should seek counseling. However, if you still feel that you will seek a person other than your partner to fill your unmet needs, then we truly believe that our service is the best place to start. MY WORDS: That, my friends, is called double-speak. Encourage it? Absolutely not! Provide a matchmaking service for cheaters with a trademarked slogan encouraging it? Yes! Sweet on Geeks THEIR WORDS: A Dating Space where Gray Matters. Is Leia and Captain Kirk your ultimate geek fantasy? Do intellect and offbeat humor equal attraction for you? Congratulations! You are among friends. If you self-identify as a geek, nerd, dork or dweeb then this is the place to make friends, find love or just be appreciated for who you are. MY WORDS: Geeks rule. Singles & Dating, Online Dating 2008-05-06T04:37:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/whats_in_a_name/bonnie http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/whats_in_a_name/bonnie#When:19:37:00Z If you’re “Fun2BWith,” you’ll be more desirable than if you’re “Welleducated”—on an online dating site, at least. That’s according to the findings of a new study focused on online dating screen names.  The study, authored by Dr. Monica Whitty, a professor of cyber-psychology at Nottingham Trent University, placed online screen names into seven different categories—names that described looks, personality, indicated wealth, were sexual, classy/intellectual, humorous or non-flirtatious.  Both male and female participants rated playful and flirtatious-sounding names—such as Takeachance, Imsweet, Givemeacuddle, and Fun2bwith—as most attractive and those they would be most likely to contact. The same applied for names that were physical descriptors such as Cutie, Fitandattractive, Greatbody and Blueeyes.  “These types of names suggest an outgoing and fun nature, or clarify the user’s positive physical appearance,” said Dr. Whitty. Screen names indicating intellect and a less-flirtatious nature, such as Welleducated, Wellread, Smith48 and Justme ranked below physical appearance, although the study found that women were more likely to contact these types of names than men.  “Less flirtatious names may be more appealing to women because they are wary of men who might be using the site to find one-night stands rather than long-term relationships,” Whitty said.  And names indicating wealth, like Wealthyandwise and LovemyPorshe, were seen as unattractive by males and females. “We believe wealthy-sounding names fared poorly because showing off about one’s wealth from the outset might reflect a superficial personality or deceit,” Whitty concludes.  Dr. Whitty said she conducted the research because online dating is such a huge phenomenon at the moment, and daters will really benefit from understanding how something as simple as a well-chosen screen name could increase their chance of finding a partner.  Little research has been done on the new forms of dating that have become popular in the last five years. One of the few studies that have been conducted—a study on speed-dating—found that people picked exactly the same type of person they would go for at a speed-dating event as they would if they were meeting the person in more traditional ways, like through friends or at the office. Singles & Dating, Online Dating 2008-05-04T19:37:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/the_rules_are_a_thing_of_dating_past/Tamsen Fadal http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/the_rules_are_a_thing_of_dating_past/Tamsen Fadal#When:00:00:00Z The Secrets You Can’t Date Without: Don’t be a creature like any other. Be yourself. If you concentrate too hard on being the perfect woman, by acting like Emily Post and looking like Heidi Klum, you will be a mess. Talk to a man first. Don’t spend all night pretending to look at the floor when you really want to look at him. Meet him halfway. We are all busy. If he is making an effort to see you, try to be accommodating. There is nothing worse than a high-maintenance, demanding woman who only wants things her way. We are not saying go out of your way for him, but if he is making himself available, so should you. No casual kissing on the first date. That’s right, not even a little “make-out” in the corner of the restaurant just because he talked about how many children he wants. No kissing. If you have a second date, go ahead, plump your puckers and unleash the kissing bandit. Live with a man. But, only if this is what you truly want. Learning about each other by living together helps some couples find out if they really have an honest idea of who their partner is on every level. We aren’t saying that you must share a home before getting married, but for some people it works. You are an individual. Trying to adhere to someone else’s list of rights and wrongs won’t work. Break the rules. Because sometimes you just have to. Sex, Strategies 2008-05-02T00:00:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/how_to_stay_faithful/matttitus http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/how_to_stay_faithful/matttitus#When:14:02:00Z And to make matters worse the universe is definitely trying to screw with me because judging by the look and smile she just gave me, she’s interested. Did I mention that I’m a happily married man yet? This of course might complicate things… actually it makes this potential minefield quite simple to navigate. I love my wife, and I will not cheat. Been there, done that. In my past life I made a series of mistakes that left me a divorced man with a wounded and empty soul, that man would have slept with the woman above, most likely five minutes after spotting her walk in to the coffee bar. So how am I going to escape this cosmic curse of temptation? By following the rules below, they’ll never send you in the wrong direction, I promise. -It’s not about just ME (or just YOU) anymore, I’m part of something meaningful and special. If I took her back to her loft and slept with her I would be letting down two people, myself and my wife. And I would be common and average because as my mother always told me, the harder thing to do is always the better thing to do. -Think of what your life would be like without your current husband or wife. Your present actions are going to dictate your future. Are you truly able to accept the repercussions??? Believe me, you aren’t. A long time ago I thought I was, of course I wasn’t and pretty much lost everything. I’m hoping you won’t. Let’s quickly return to the original relationship danger zone… after she smiles, she comes within in ear shot of my table, I hear her order a double cappuccino in the sexiest, raspy European accent that I have ever heard. She then proceeds to delicately glance at me while she takes her drink from the barista and turns to ask if she can join me… MY LIFE IS NOW OVER! -Being faithful is easy, cheating is hard. Thought it was the other way around, didn’t you? The moment she requested to join me I felt something that in the past I had never felt before: HESITATION! You see cheating is like bungee-jumping without a safety cord, the rush is amazing, until you slam into the bridge and smash that thick skull of yours wide open! The work it takes to be unfaithful is ten times, no, a THOUSAND times harder than the simple task of being a committed partner. She introduces herself and I feel “my game” completely gone. Because all I can think of are the repercussions of sleeping with this woman. I realize that I am doing something that I had never done in the past: Forward Thinking. -Remember you took a vow. Whether it’s a wedding band, or a long time romance built on caring and trust, a bond is a bond. And while a hot body and a pretty face are nice to gaze at, it’s fleeting; your partner’s actions, affection and non-judgmental support are far more worthy in the log run. -Fantasy is a good thing, as long as it doesn’t become reality. Now, don’t think I’m not able to appreciate the fact that this woman is beautiful, it’s not a crime to admire an attractive person, but it is against all laws know to man to act on your desires if you are in a happy and committed relationship. As I looked into her eyes and told her I was married and thanked her for her company. I also realized I felt no guilt having spent a quick moment with an attractive stranger, no wish to ravish her on top of the table, all I felt was happiness because of my commitment to my wife. For the first time in my life I realized what the real challenge was about being in this situation. The real challenge was NOT SLEEPING with this beautiful woman. And because I like to think of myself as something of an adrenaline junkie, man, do I love challenges. But this one wasn’t a “challenge” at all. It became easier and easier when I let the repercussions of sleeping with her dictate my actions. And, truthfully, my vanilla latte was much more satisfying. Sex, Cheating 2008-05-01T14:02:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/how_to_guy_proof_your_love_shack/sassybean http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/how_to_guy_proof_your_love_shack/sassybean#When:00:00:00Z An apartment or house littered with trash, pets, and family photos, is the fastest way to lose a guy in 10 seconds or less. It’s best to guy-proof your place well before you invite him over, but if you need a last-minute quick-fix, try these tips: The front door. Get rid of decorative door mats, funny door knockers, or any quotes or sayings you’ve tacked to the door. All these things are way too cutsie.  Your pets. Put them in the back room or have a friend watch them for the night. If you have pets, be sure to give your place a thorough vacuuming so as not to trigger anyone’s allergic reactions. And don’t introduce him to all twelve of your cats right away-- multiple cats screams “spinster.” Your photos. Take down family photos that hang in the foyer. They are a symbol of authority and it will make him feel like someone is watching his every move. Your personals. Close all closet doors and dresser drawers, lest your unmentionables hang out or your shoe obsession suddenly become readily apparent.  Your knickknacks. Collectibles should be stored out of sight (unless he’s a big Precious Moments fan . . . no, even then . . . ) Your diet. Guys should think that you can maintain your weight effortlessly, so make sure your refrigerator’s only contents aren’t weight-loss shakes and Lean Cuisine.  An empty fridge says that you can’t provide for him or for yourself, so be sure to have normal food readily visible.  Your exes. No pictures of exes! It sounds obvious, but too many people accidentally leave out that kind of photo, begging the, “Oh, he’s just a friend,” conversation.  Your medicine cabinet. Not that he’s going to be going through your medicine cabinet, but just in case, be sure that you’ve hidden antidepressants, hair removal creams, etc.  Singles & Dating, Single Life 2008-04-30T00:00:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/what_do_men_really_think/Erica Mayyasi http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/what_do_men_really_think/Erica Mayyasi#When:00:00:00Z It’s no secret that we girls spend a lot of time wondering about guys.  But we are just as much a mystery to the opposite sex as they are to us.  So what do men wonder about women?  In a completely unscientific study, we asked every guy we could get our hands on and are proud to present some common threads we found. SIGNALS Like us, guys struggle with interpreting signals.  Many wonder how to tell if a girl is into them or just being nice. HORMONES They also are puzzled by emotional fluctuations.  They wonder how much our hormones differ from theirs in terms of producing mood swings.  Some even asked if PMS is just an excuse! GAMES Another common question was whether girls are as manipulative as they come across.  “It seems as though their “wheels” are always turning,” says one guy we asked.  “I wonder if that is really the case. Dudes are super oblivious because our wheels stop more often than not when contemplating social interaction or interpersonal connections.” BAD BOYS Finally, surprisingly or unsurprisingly, many guys wonder the very same thing we often wonder about ourselves:  why are girls attracted to guys who are bad for them?  Right back ‘atcha boys. Singles & Dating, Dating 101 2008-04-29T00:00:00-05:00 http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/is_your_spouse_in_your_league/Mike Morucci http://www.sassybean.com/index.php/blog/article/is_your_spouse_in_your_league/Mike Morucci#When:00:00:00Z A recently published study in the Journal of Family Psychology entitled “Beyond initial attraction: Physical attractiveness in newlywed marriage” got a lot of quick press. The press coverage showed me a) reading the actual study was not required, and b) don’t believe everything you read. The article was summarized virtually everywhere with this advice: marriages are more likely to be successful when the wife is hot and the husband is not. So, the King of Queens, According to Jim and Family Guy were truly ahead of their time? The study was a sample of recently married couples. Studying newlyweds for the keys to a successful marriage is like studying first-graders for the keys to a successful retirement. Way too early. And the study had findings like more attractive wives behaved more constructively than more attractive husbands did. Wow, husbands behave badly. Yep, I’m sure it’s because of their physical appearance, and not the fact that they’re, um, men. And don’t for a second think that if your husband is less attractive, he’s more likely to be faithful. Ugly people cheat. If you don’t believe me, watch an hour of Jerry Springer or Maury. And wouldn’t a man who thinks he’s scored a trophy wife feel even more self-confident, not less? Who the hell can objectively determine who is attractive, or more attractive? Beauty or ugliness is in the eye of the beholder. What attracts each of us to another is personally unique (the mating game would be way too competitive otherwise), and I would hope based on more than just how pretty or handsome we find someone else. If one spouse truly feels they married out of their league, or they settled, there will be problems. Period. I’m no expert but I’m fairly sure most successful marriages are ones in which the bride and groom stopped worrying about who was “good-looking” a long time ago, and never thought twice about who was better looking. So don’t believe everything you read. Well, almost everything. Love & Relationships, Couples 2008-04-28T00:00:00-05:00